peter bradley adams and i have been chillin in here all day. my office slash studio slash bedroom is my favorite safe haven lately. along with my car and my brothers’ houses from time to time. i have been going on walks lately to clear my head, and i read a little at night. i think a lot about the future and get awful anxiety until i remind myself that i can do what ever i want. when i was 17 i loved this postsecret that read, “i have no idea where i’m going, & that’s the beauty of it”, since when did i get so goddamn worried about pleasing other people and forget the importance of taking risks? the 17 year old version of myself would be pissed off at this 21 year old, frightened person i am now. whether or not life will always be moving forward so i might as well buck up and run in the direction that makes me happy and scared at the same time. take a breath and leap, i suppose. i can do anything i want.
Posts tagged life.
"when she woke in the morning, she knew that her life had passed her by. & she called out a warning, "don’t ever let life pass you by."
#goodmorning #sunrise #warning #incubus #field #clouds #life
so a couple days ago i finally gave in and bought an ipad. after about a year of talking myself out of it, i finally succumbed to my temptations and the persuasion of a couple friends. the trouble i have with big purchases is the fact that i do work hard for the money i earn, however there is always a worry in the back of my mind that i’ll need every penny that is in my savings for an emergency expense. i won’t lie, my list of what if’s goes like this: “what if my car breaks down?!” “what if i need to move?!” “what if i need to go to the hospital for emergency brain surgery?!?!?!” “what if my brothers or mom need a bailout?!” “what if i need a bailout?!” the list goes on and on and it may not make sense; but to me it does. i never felt like i had a stable roof over my head or a stable car to drive growing up, so it’s just natural for me to wait for something bad to happen. i’ve had TWO cars catch fire in my life and remember a time period where my mom, brother, and i lived in several different motels for awhile. so, the best we can do is be prepared for things like this, so that’s why i save. but it’s also important to remember these two things:
- reward yourself for hard work. that does mean BUY IT. (only if you LOVE it)
- don’t let your fears hold you back from living life to the fullest.
so that’s why i bought and ipad, that’s why i run in a race where they throw colored chalk powder at you, and that’s why i feel happy most of the time these days. (still working on that last one) you have to splurge sometimes and take a break. at the end of the day i am happy with the decisions i’ve made and to me that’s what matters most.
so, what are some good ipad apps? i’m also looking for a good case and trying my best to stay away from all the beautiful (and expensive) kate spade ones.
this is a list of things that made the year 2012 perfect for me.
- january: fell in love.
- february: got superbusy, proudly hit my caffeine intake high, became a packaging designer, began building a design portfolio, found my second home in the stockton 55 elevator, graciously let go of a love that would later come back to me, and made some pretty badass typography inspired valentines.
- march: found some amazing friends, visited old ones, became more dedicated to my work than ever, branded myself, created a really cool faux men’s skincare line and the packaging for it, and ended a crazy quarter at fidm by presenting my best work at the apple store in san francisco.
- april: endings and beginnings. my beloved toyota celica broke down! this was a sad moment of 2012. it was my last month being 19 & last quarter at fidm; also the start of my career. oh, and the first trip to long beach. i dig my toes in to the sand….
- may: happy birthday to me. i got my big girl shoes, and everything was roses, i missed him a lot, but que sera sera.
- june: GRADUATED. MOVED OUT. but what’s growing up without a little fun?
- july: work & play. still thought about you from time to time, got back in touch with daddeo, getting settled in the new place, learning how much i truly. hate. BUGS.
- august: nothing big, except for the fun trip to hold my brother’s hand at the hospital whilst they dissected a sewing needle from his foot. fun, fun.
- september: this month was a blur. tons of all nighters, party-hopping, and bottomless cups of coffee… i had wonderful business trip to napa for a decor shoot and a fashion shoot, too.
- october: started dating again! here is how that turned out. lol. the magazine came out, and this was also the month i found the first picture i’d ever seen of my parents together. and how can i forget- this was the month he came back in to my life again.
- november: fell in love with you all over again, bought a new car, had a wonderful trip to san francisco, made some art after learning how to take a day to myself, changing my look, dates with mama,
- december: hosted my first christmas party! what a crazy day that was. i gained a new client, did a photoshoot, visited my best friend in santa cruz, saw forest play in the mariposa symphony, and on the 13th i lost ‘him’ all over again. this heartbreak will be carried in to the new year but that doesn’t make the overall past year any less perfect. i have loved and lost; so that’s life. i will still look back on 2012 as the year everything changed for the better, whether i believe it yet or not.
cheers to you, 2012, you were pretty damn fabulous.
in transit: welcome home.
its been a couple years and i’ve been jumping from one dream to the next, one highway to the next, house to house and every time i’ve carried all my life in a suitcase. with no solid ground beneath my feet, for a clumsy girl i think i’ve done my best balancing this whirlwind life of mine. although the longest i’ve stayed somewhere since i left mariposa county was 4 years, i would never call that place a home because it never was. it wasn’t safe. it wasn’t mine. it was nothing but hell, i still hate that place. ever since i left, every place i’ve slept has not been home to me. and all of this is about to change. a new door has opened and i can finally call it mine (or ours, i love my housemates!) and i couldn’t be happier. the next year has a lot of change going on and even though it will probably be both good and bad, it’s still a learning process i am excited for. i’m in between dreams and finally, there is stable ground beneath my feet. cheers.
second night in my new home. food + beer is on it’s way, (dieting and exercise starts up again next week!) and tomorrow i am getting a bed for free. life is nice.
long nights, strange men
lately i can’t tell the difference between the best things in life & the most expensive, or the balance of work & play. the results of this have me up late meet deadlines and out all day in the sun. and of course, a little bit broke. lately i find trouble in the balance of life and handling my worries about my finances and my father. those do not go hand in hand, however i think i worry the same way about money as my father always did. he lost sight of it, literally and figuratively. but i just want to figure out the way all of this works. and then there is the way i cannot find myself able to connect to anyone as i did to that stupid boy from long ago. this is just another thing on my mind during my long nights; i cannot imagine being able to find the courage to give myself to someone so openly again, at least not in the near future. every morning i wake up and do everything as independently as i always have, and am not sure of how my life would function if there were someone there that cared enough to be with me along the way. its a life foreign to me, and so i’m a little naive. naive of boys. balance. decisions. this whole whirlwind of adulthood has my mind on fire some nights, and for the life of me i cannot sleep. i think of the men in my life; the mistakes i have made with the few i let in and the few i only let touch the surface. i wonder when i will ever be able to give myself a straight answer on how i feel about ever letting someone close enough to hurt me again (isn’t it always that same old story?). lately i can’t tell the difference between what i want and what i need, and how one really can rule out the other without having a life without a little pleasure. lately i think of this bittersweet life and think damn, when will i know what i want?
calling it a day. i’m laying here listening to my mom’s dream of having a fish tank surrounding her bed. crazy right? but picture it. it’d be beautiful. that’s my mom for you, crazy, beautiful. speaking of mothers, she talked me in to going back to church today to surprise grandma for mother’s day. although gramps (who is the head of the choir) pointed mama and my tardiness in front of the congregation while he was on mic, it was well worth the embarrassment. to see my gran’s gleaming smile and surprise was complete bliss. pretty sure no one knows how important that woman is to me. anyways, after lunch at la nitas i went to work. from 2:40-9:45 i sat my pretty butt down at starbucks and busted out 2 midterm essays and a 6 page literature analysis paper. i am pleased to inform you that i walked out of there only consuming one grande passion iced tea and one of those new cookie crumble fraps (so good!) which is pretty impressive for a caffeine fiend. i ended the night with a quick grocery store trip for puppy chow that turned in to an hour long trip. came home and fed pups, had ice cream for dinner. and i just told my mama i loved her and everything is going to be alright. one day i will build her a bed frame that surrounds her with beautiful fish swimming around her. why? because it’s true. happy mother’s day.
It’s that amazing time in life when you realize that you are 19 years old with an [almost] college degree and getting paid to design pretty things. So, I made it through the first week of acadamia at FIDM. 9 more to go then graduation. Other than realizing my life is painfully lovely right now, I also realized another thing: online classes are the pits. 2/5 of my classes are online and I am having trouble getting the hang of it. But I plan on the F and D I recieved on my first quizzes today will be the first & last failing grades I ever receive. Next week will be better. Juggling a full course load, online classes, a commute, a crap sandwich shop job, and a dream job can be frustrating. I’m learning how to deal with the obstacles so pardon my bitching for the next few weeks while I’m getting used to this new lifestyle. I just wanted to say that I am completely stressed with a smile on my face. It’s that amazing time in life when you realize that you are 19 years young and every day is a blessing whether it be dressed in rain and dropped calls or in your face. Life is beautiful and I’m learning how to deal.
American dreams came true somehow
I swore I’d chase until I was dead
I heard the streets were paved with gold
That’s what my father said
No one even knows what life was like
Now I’m in LA and it’s paradise
I’ve finally found you
Oh, sing it to me
Now my life is sweet like cinnamon
Like a fucking dream I’m living in
Baby love me cause I’m playing on the radio
(How do you like me now?)
No words.. my career goals are coming true these days, I couldn’t be happier. I never thought things would take off so fast and the thought that they would at all just seemed too good to be true. But somewhere in all the hard work, sleepless nights and sleepless drives, somewhere in the middle of absolutely nothing something remarkable happened.
A little side note too.
I know the past few months I haven’t really been there for you guys (my dear friends) and I’ve dedicated more time to my work than I have my relationships, but please know you are the people I think about when I get a moment to stop and breathe. Whether it be on my drive home or waiting in line for coffee, you are on my mind. I care so much but I haven’t much time to show it. I really hope that if I haven’t lost you already, that you will stick by me because happiness is great, but its better shared.
Downtown thought. People were walking faster than their feet could take them. I always wonder why everyone is so late, or if they are just walking quickly out of habit. Either way, I can’t help but wonder what’s on their minds and if they ever stop, and just breathe.
a see you later letter: san francisco
"i left my heart in san francisco" i have been worrying that a small farm town and an empty bank account will break this dreamer’s hopes. no one around here understands the beauty of the way a single letter was designed, or the beauty of an ampersand. its hard for people here to appreciate a beautiful editorial or striking layouts, or the way the colors flirt with each other across a page. this is little cowtown is a sweet little cowtown. its where you go to high school, marry, and have kids. even though more often than not it never comes in that order around here. which is ok, life happens. but i’m just not ready to settle. i could always move, you know, when i have money to, but i won’t know when that is. and that is why i get so down. the fact is i need to settle here for 1-2 years, save money up again, and then leave. although part of me has this whole other scheme of ideas to leave my mark on this little town, create a design scene of sorts; even just marketing myself to small town suitors who need skills i have. but that’s a whole other bag of worms. i’m just having a hard time thinking about my last 6 months being a part of the san francisco scene, the place where my dreams matter. where my silly type talk is small talk. the place where i walked down stockton street barefoot whilst wearing my prettiest dress, because i had just been accepted to the school of my dreams. san francisco made me. these past two years went by so quickly, but they were truly phenomenal. i have learned so much from amazing people, skills and life lessons that i can hold on to forever. i met strangers who are now my close friends, my colleagues. i talked with travelers from different countries and bought flowers off of busy street corners, been to the best art galleries and museums, and i’ve seen the first light hit the city and the last light leave, i’ve smiled and said hello to numerous charming doormen standing outside of the most exquisite hotels, i’ve spent my lunches in union square, on the balcony as the bucket man banged his tunes on market street below, i’ve spent time with my nose in the trend prediction books, i’ve experienced backstage runway show stress, i’ve spoken to successful industry designers and created things i never knew i could. and the greatest thing i’ve created was myself. san francisco, thank you. lets enjoy this time and come june you can have my heart. just know that i’ll return for it some day.